Teen Post by Nilani Chandradeva - http://wheninhospital.blogspot.co.uk/
This blog is for all the people who have lost what it is to feel "normal" after cancer treatment. Feeling normal is something you expect once treatment has ended, but that instant recovery is not always what you get.
Normality doesn't exist until it has been lost and craved for. It is something that you can't create again, it is something that comes with time and patience. In my experience, there is nothing you can do to fall back into it any quicker. You slip back into it without realising; you start to live.
After I finished my treatment I threw myself back into the world and everything it had to offer me. I was determined to not let cancer deter me, if anything it motivated more and more to achieve my goals. And this worked for a long time. I used cancer to fuel myself to work harder in all aspects of life. However, after a while, this became exhausting. It is so difficult to be driven by your worst experiences and constantly trying to see the good in all of them. Personally, I found it put pressure on me to be the "best cancer survivor". This meant having my whole life inspired by cancer, which is again, very exhausting. I'm not saying that I have come out of the cancer experience without being influenced by it at all, that would be a lie, it has definitely influenced the decisions I make and the person I am. But it is definitely not WHO I am. This is really important- once you start to find out who you really are, what your interests are and what you stand for- your past doesn't cling on to you. You become your own person and it is the best thing ever.
If there has ever been a series of peaks and troughs in my life, then it was after my cancer treatment. For me, this struggle with my emotions and identity went on for 4 years. Change was the most important thing for me because it was a change that came at exactly the right time. I had spent enough time trying overcome my emotions or let myself be occupied by cancer and this had not worked. I think I only really started to feel normal again when I didn't try so consciously and only focused on what I was truly interested in. For me, this change was brought about by university. University brought along its own challenges, but I think these are ones that every student goes through. Really, it was quite satisfying to have normal challenges and problems that your friends can relate to! At first, being thrown into an environment where nobody knew about the cancer was really hard. I didn't know how to explain my sensitivity to people- something which was heightened by my experiences with cancer- and often found myself falling into the mind-set of "Well if only they knew about the cancer...that is why what x said made me feel upset." One time t my friend told me to toughen up when I was sensitive about something she had said. This made me so angry! She had no idea what truly had upset me but I didn't want to explain it her either. This would just create sympathy. Instead, I listened to her, I toughened up and this made everything easier. I dealt with it like anyone would if a petty comment had upset them. At the same time, I was enjoying my degree and the social life and learning how to create a small distance from my emotions which meant that they didn't overpower me. Days, weeks and months went by and all this time I had just been being myself. I had been normal. I only realised much later, actually when I went to a hospital appointment which is something that I usually get very upset or frustrated about. This time, that didn't happen. I just had a conversation with my doctor about how I had been doing, and it was then that I had realised I had been doing really well!
I truly know how it feels when it seems like the world has been taken away from you and you don't know how to fit in again. I just want those of you out there who are recovering from cancer to know that cancer in no way defines you. It is an experience and like all experiences it will influence who you are and the choices you make. I am still in touch with many of the friends I made in hospital and I dearly miss the ones who didn't make it and often feel guilty that I am here when they are not. It is so important to not lets these feelings consume you, try to engage with things you love and have a genuine interest in. This will help you to grow as a person and to reconnect with who you are.
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